Uncontrollable Eccentric Urges

Every January I have an uncontrollable urge to move, to leave, to change to a new country, a new place, do something completely different, shed everything that has been. EVERY FREAKING JANUARY. You pretty much can set a calendar by this predictable phenomenon. I will call it a condition.

I became painfully aware of this weird condition a few years back after I was driven like a mad woman to leave a relationship I treasured with a man I loved.

As if something deep from within me rises and takes over. And I can no longer feel see or want anything else but give in to being pulled into the vortex. Everything else disappears. Sleepless nights. Obsession with an idea—not a single idea but branched out and attached to multiple ideas, all as fascinating and meaningful, building a whole world of possibilities and visions. The clarity with which I see all of this is incredible. It feels real. It demands to be fulfilled, birthed, attended to. This idea sings like a Siren, luring me into the depths of the ocean. She is all I hear.

Last year it happened too and, only by sheer timeliness of a conversation with my mentor and the fact of having Aikido and other Japanese things I love, I was able to redirect the urge.

The year before it also happened, and that's when I made a decision and arranged my move to Japan. Which is to say that I do not judge this condition because it does not carry any malicious energy. Only mischievous, and something ancient. Coming to Japan was one of the best decisions of my life. Leaving a relationship with a man I love was one of the worst. Staying in Japan last year was one of the best. And I can trace back through time.

This year it shook me up again. Powerfully. Which made me really connect some dots and dive deeper and discover some amazing insights.

But the reason I am sharing this is to say:

If you have an eccentric weird part of you, that you can’t understand or are embarrassed about, pay attention. Instead of judging and suppressing, find a way to listen, to feel, to explore. Perhaps you too might find deep ancient secrets stored right inside your own belly…